America That I Learned from TV

Fourth of July

Ted got a haircut like a polecat on his head. he got a ring from a pawnshop, stopped for a pack of smokes (Parliaments), smoothed out his moustache in the rear-view mirror of his t-top monte carlo.

he was gonna ask Brenda to marry him.

He went to the house where she lived with her mama. He walked up the driveway. Brenda's 9 yr old brother Neon let him in, then went back to watchin' japanese porn with his stoned step-father.

Ted walked thru the cramped little house, down a narrow hall lined with school fotos n' bad family picnic snapshots in cheap fake wood frames. Branda's obese mom was on the phone with a psychic. A scared cat took a shit in an ashtray. there were ketchup packets n' empty matchbooks on the floor.

Brenda's door was shut. Ted walked in. there was Brenda, naked on the waterbed with a midget & a bottle of jim beam, the both of them belting out the star-spangled banner.

"it's not what you think!" she exclaimed.

her fat baby screamed n' pissed on the carpet. a salesman on tv walked a patriotic dog.

Ted blinked n' turned around, walked placidly out to his car n' pulled a shotgun out of his trunk. he went back inside. little Neon picked up an action figure n' threw it at an unflinching Ted.

Ted loaded the shotgun n' kicked down the door to Brenda's room. Brenda was pulling on her nylon sweat pants. Hank the midget scrambled naked out the bedroom window. Ted got off one good shot, shearing Brenda's erect aerosol bangs, before Neon bit his ankle and Brenda's mom knocked him out with a wooden bat.

"no mama, don't hurt him," she cried. "I love him!"


- an old story by the Baloney Boy.

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