US

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ROWDY RODDY PIPER (dog version)

it's a pencil drawing of our new dog, Rowdy Roddy Piper, chillaxing in one of his beds.

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America That I Learned from TV

Fourth of July

Ted got a haircut like a polecat on his head. he got a ring from a pawnshop, stopped for a pack of smokes (Parliaments), smoothed out his moustache in the rear-view mirror of his t-top monte carlo.

he was gonna ask Brenda to marry him.

He went to the house where she lived with her mama. He walked up the driveway. Brenda's 9 yr old brother Neon let him in, then went back to watchin' japanese porn with his stoned step-father.

Ted walked thru the cramped little house, down a narrow hall lined with school fotos n' bad family picnic snapshots in cheap fake wood frames. Branda's obese mom was on the phone with a psychic. A scared cat took a shit in an ashtray. there were ketchup packets n' empty matchbooks on the floor.

Brenda's door was shut. Ted walked in. there was Brenda, naked on the waterbed with a midget & a bottle of jim beam, the both of them belting out the star-spangled banner.

"it's not what you think!" she exclaimed.

her fat baby screamed n' pissed on the carpet. a salesman on tv walked a patriotic dog.

Ted blinked n' turned around, walked placidly out to his car n' pulled a shotgun out of his trunk. he went back inside. little Neon picked up an action figure n' threw it at an unflinching Ted.

Ted loaded the shotgun n' kicked down the door to Brenda's room. Brenda was pulling on her nylon sweat pants. Hank the midget scrambled naked out the bedroom window. Ted got off one good shot, shearing Brenda's erect aerosol bangs, before Neon bit his ankle and Brenda's mom knocked him out with a wooden bat.

"no mama, don't hurt him," she cried. "I love him!"


- an old story by the Baloney Boy.

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Happy New Year??

i did it for the cover of Trigger Happy, wouldn't you know it went under....well, i like it anyways

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CLOwN BoOBs

this is a quick impression of pretty much all the girls on last night's season premiere of Rock of Love 3: Tour Bus - perhaps the finest 90 minutes ever to air on cable television:

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the Hedgehog

last night i was the portrait artist at the "Worst Corporate Holiday Party Ever." It was a truly awful party! i drank free beers all night & ate hot cheetos & had to listen to, like, Bryan Adams & BoysIIMen. but then Ron Jeremy shows up towards the end, after i had been drinking quite heavily. i persuaded him to let me draw his portrait. he was eating the free cookies the entire time, so his mouth might be a little off. also, he kept telling me to make his face thinner & his hair less so. so i did, 'cuz i'm a nice guy. Ron's a pretty nice guy, too, he let me keep it & i'm glad he did! i won't sell it on ebay, Ron, i promise! well, not while you're still alive, anyways. you're a legend & the ladies love you.

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Ta-DOW!!

how you like me now? this is for The Vacation's digital release of "Marshmallow Girl" on True Anthem.com

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